J.J. Abrams' reboot of the
Star Trek franchise is an entertaining, if staggeringly dumb movie. While it manages to give many winks and nods to the franchise that spawned it, this new movie is an entirely new animal with only a passing similarity to its source material.
BACK TO THE BEGINNINGStar Trek opens with the destruction of the Federation starship
Kelvin at the hands of a ludicrously massive Romulan mining ship from the far future. Entwined in the mayhem is the birth of one James T. Kirk on board an escape shuttle. His mother -- presumably a ship's officer -- is hauled away with the medical crew without her heroic husband George. In a sequence of courage and self-sacrifice that actually made men in my audience tear up, George Kirk sacrifices himself and his ship to ensure that Kelvin's survivor's can make their way to safety.
I have to say it; That's the way you start a movie. Good on you, J.J. Abrams.
Flash forward nine years. We move from deep space to the dusty fields of summertime Iowa. Here we meet a boyhood James Kirk.
Is he a brilliant kid? A young hell-raiser with a strong sense of right and wrong? A boy with his eyes to the stars?
Nope. This Jim Kirk is a young punk who -- for reasons never adequately explained -- steals his stepfather's vintage corvette and drives it into a construction quarry.
I guess he hated his stepfather's car. A lot.
As a viewer I have to ask this question: Is this supposed to make me like this kid? If so, how? With no reason for his behavior, Kirk just comes off as a spoiled Generation-Me brat who deserves to have his knuckles wrapped with a tazer.
Before we can ask any more questions of why we just witnessed this episode of
Young Jim Kirk and the Gravel Pit of Crash-Boom, we're whisked away to Vulcan to meet another rather important character.
Spock is a young haf-Vulcan, half-human boy with a lot going against him. He's small, he's a half-breed, and his mom wears a board strapped to her chest. Worst of all, he's perpetually teased by three vulcan kids who really can't act.
Alas, the Vulcan-Non-Actors choose the wrong insult -- in this case, his mother -- and, just like Marty McFly in the
Back to the Future sequels, Spock loses all reason and goes all postal and stuff. Combat Spock, Ho!
Flash forward again, and now Spock is a young man (Zachary Quinto). Spock's mom (Winona Ryder, grayed up and wearing a board on her freaking chest, I shit you not) is tucking in his color and telling him he'll do "fine". After some
wink-wink-nudge-nudge references to
Star Trek IV ("I feel fine"), and the first motion picture (Kholinar), we leave the scene realizing something we never knew about Spock: He is one
serious Mama's boy.
This revelation of Spock's maternal attachment plays out spectacularly when he's offered a position in the Vulcan Science Academy. It doesn't go well. Oh, the Grand Pooba offers Spock a lodge hat, but only after opining something along the lines of
"Wow, you came a long way for a kid whose mom shops for dresses in the construction aisle at Menards."And lo, Spock is horked-off. Fortunately, he's learned restraint since being a youth, and heads off to Starfleet Academy instead. (He does, however, manage to make "
Live Long and Prosper" sound a lot like "
Suck Porpoise Dork and Gag". That was cool.)
We now dash back to Iowa, where we meet an adult James Kirk (Chris Pine). He's drunk and determined to hit on the comely Cadet Uhura (Zoe Saldana). Kirk has apparently learned to make passes at woman by watching nothing more than a 24-7 feed of both SpikeTV and re-runs of "The Man Show", and comes off as a bore. Unfortunately, a doughy Starfleet cadet decides that he really hated Pine's work in
The Princess Diaries 2, and a bar fight ensures.
Kirk loses. Badly.
The first time we see this, it's rather cool. After all, Kirk of yore never lost, even when against ludicrous odds. Seeing him get his ass handed to him for being a drunken lothario was neat.
Once.
Alas, you'll see Kirk lose a lot in this movie. A lot.
It gets old.
Kirk is saved by Captain Christopher Pike (Bruce Greenwood). Pike breaks up the fight, and then has a heart-to-heart talk with our erstwhile hero. He takes Kirk to task for being a serious douchebag, and dares him
"...to do better."
Fortunately for the plot, Kirk listens. After driving on his motorcycle-without-spokes all Maverick-in
-Top Gun-like
, and gazing at the under-construction
Enterprise much like a farmboy in a Galaxy Far Far Away stared at twin setting moons, he makes his decision. Still bruised from the night before, Kirk meets the new recruits shuttle to head off to Starfleet Academy...
Wait...wait. What? There's no entrance exam? No interviews? No character references? All Kirk needed was some "genius level apptitude scores" and a starship captain to let get him a slot in this supposedly prestigious academy? Really?
Okay...calming down now. Gotta make it through this. Walking the steps.
Breath in...breath out.
Better now.
Kirk meets Leonard "Bones" McCoy (Karl Urban) on the shuttle to the academy. They become fast friends, and away we go.
The movie then jumps ahead three years to introduce us to a still cocky, still unlikeable Cadet Kirk during his final stab at the no-win "Kobayashi Maru" simulator scenario. (Eh? Eh? Wink-wink-nudge-nudge-saynomore-
saynomore!) Rather than demonstrating himself as a computer genius, a tactical wizard, or even a gifted leader, he comes off as a spoiled kid who found the "god" code in a video game and expects to be worshipped for it.
Really? I'm supposed to get behind this guy?
Really?
Kirk is caught, he meets Spock, there's a little hearing, an emergency comes up, and about a week later, Kirk is promoted to Captain of the brand new U.S.S.
Enterprise.
I shit you not.
How that happens is something I don't feel like going into a this time. That it happens at
all tells you
everything you need to know about the movie.
NOT YOUR DADDY'S "STAR TREK"J.J. Abrams was absolutely up-front with people when he said this was
"...not your daddy's 'Star Trek'." He wasn't lying. The original
Trek -- while cheesy, and of its own era -- had, at its best, a well-won reputation for being a "smart" show. By contrast, Abrams' film is unapologetically dumb.
Seriously, plot and logic holes abound in
Star Trek like the stars on the
screen. A few that leap to mind:
- Supernovas don't destroy "Universes". The rip apart star systems.
- Ignoring that gaffe, if the supernova that was going to destroy "the universe" was so dangerous, why did the Vulcan Science Academy send a single Senior Citizen with a massive Red Jawbreaker of Doom to face it alone?
- Speaking of the Red Jawbreaker of Doom (i.e., the "Red Matter" that caused the rip in space and time, and a whole lot of problems in the movie), if all Spock needed was a drop of the stuff to stop the Smashyon Wave, why the hell did he bring a forty gallon water tank full of liquified death?
- Vulcan is an advanced culture, right? They have starships, right? Yet when Nero drops a freaking space drill into the atmosphere to bore a hole into the crust, they don't do a thing to stop it? They don't even send up a freaking cropduster with a machine gun, fer cryin' out loud!
- Oh, yeah, and Earth is no better. Not so much as a Cessna and a potato gun...even when the attack happens right above Starfleet Freaking Academy!
- Did I mention that Kirk gets promoted from a cadet to an O-6 in a few days? Seriously, that hurts my head to even write.
I could go on -- really -- but I won't. Suffice it say, don't go into
Star Trek expecting to see a smart, compelling genre film. If you do you'll only be dissapointed.
A DIFFERENT BREED OF TREKWhere JJ Abrams'
Star Trek works is as a fast-paced, cotton-candy-weighted summer action movie. Taken on those terms its' a darned good ride. The movie never slows down (even when it should), and drags its viewers through an action ride of starship battles, fist fights, HALO jumps, and general Space Opera mayhem.
I have to congratulate Abrams on this final result. He never once hid the fact that he was more a
Star Wars fan than
Trek conniseur. He wanted to make a movie that made
Trek cool, and -- judging by the number of people in classic Trek uniforms this past Halloween -- he succeeded.
Alas, taking the film in this direction has had one major impact on not only the movie, but the perception of lead character in the story. It's egregious enough that I have to point out the issue.
THE SUDDEN ARISTOCRACY OF JAMES KIRKThe youthful James Kirk of the original 1966 series would not make a compelling summer action movie hero. He was described as
"...positively grim", a
"...walking pile of books with legs,", and underclassmen groused that
"...in Lt. Kirk's class you either think, or sink."
The Kirk of that era worked his way to command of a starship by being incredibly knowledgeable and supremely competent. He earned the trust of his leadership, his organization, and of his peers over several postings and assignments.
Sexy? Nope. But I wouldn't mind working for that guy. Yeah, he'd be a hellish boss (seriously, could you imagine working for Shatner's Kirk?) but at least I'd know that he worked his way to his position.
By contrast, Alex Kurtzman and Robert Orci do away with any semblance of the self-made, professional officer. Instead they give us a captain who is merely appointed to greatness at the whim of an admiring older officer.
I'm not kidding:
- Despite having a criminal record, he's just given a spot at the academy on the spot by Pike
- Despite being dragged aboard the Enterprise without orders -- and while still a cadet, mind you -- he's promoted to executive officer above a whole slew of better-qualified officers on deck
- Despite phsyically resisting his duly-appointed captain's orders, he's eventually appointed as Captain of the vessel above that self-same officer
This Kirk is given breaks by leadership not because he really earned it, but because one captain -- Pike -- admired his father. That's a far cry from the officer who was hyper-focused on being a starship captain, and earned his way through the ranks, isn't it?
What bothers me is that the message that it sends -- that competence means next-to-nothing when compared to well-placed friends -- is disheartening. It's elitist, short-sighted, and -- far, far worse -- it reflects the business culture of the United States today.
Given the mess we're in as a country, why, then, are we glorifying this idea at all?
WHERE'S THE GENIUS BAR?The art design on
Star Trek is a really mixed bag. On one hand the uniforms are fantastic. On the other, the starship interiors are a muddled mess. Whether it be the Apple Store bridge, or the Budweiser Brewery re-dressed as starship engineering, none of it sold me on the idea that these characters were where they were supposed to be.
I've already groused about the new
Enterprise in another post. I will add, however, that in certain shots the new design looked quite nice. Regardless, I think Abrams directive -- to turn the ship into a "hot rod" (there's that
Star Wars influence again) -- was the wrong choice to make for this franchise.
It wasn't all bad, of course. I loved everything to do with the
Kelvin. Set design, costumes, shuttle design, hell, the entire sequence was fantastic. Alas, the movie never did get me back to the brilliance of that opening sequence, either narratively or visually.
THE NEW CREWIf there was one area where the movie generally shined, it was in its casting.
Zachary Quinto made a terrific Spock. Though intially taken aback by the loss of Nimoy's sonerous voice, I quickly accepted him completely in the role. I look forward to seeing him as my favorite Vulcan once again.
Karl Urban
was Doctor Leonard McCoy. Every moment he was on screen was an utter delight, and the classic Spock-McCoy argument was note perfect. Here's hoping they give him more to do next time.
Zoe Saldana made a fine Uhura. She was far, far better than the second trailer made her out to be, and I enjoyed her on screen.
Simon Pegg was criminally underutilized as Scotty. What we saw of him was fine, but it just wasn't enough to make much of an impression. I'd like to see more of him -- and less of his freaking Ewok, thank you very much -- in the next film.
John Cho made a fantastic Sulu. He was so solid that I immediately wanted to see more of him. By contrast, Anton Yelchin's Chekov made me want to find the nearest airlock to space his ass. The accent was too thick, and the character too spazzy to like. (And what was with making him
Wesley Crusher v.05b? Why couldn't he just be a recent Academy graduate?)
Bruce Greenwood and Eric Bana both deserve special nods for bringing underwritten characters to life. Greenwood's Pike, in particular, was so good that I was dissappointed that he was leaving the ship at the end of the movie. I could have handled another movie with Captain Pike in the center seat, and Kirk as a junior officer (ala
Horatio Hornblower).
Which brings us to Chris Pine's Kirk.
Let me get this out of the way first: Chris Pine did a great job. He was note-perfect for the role as written, and turned in a solid, professional, star-making performance. I applaud his work on this movie, and have nothing but admiration for him as a performer.
Alas, Kirk
as written was an unlikable, priviledged, womanizing turd. I never respected, believed in, or even liked this character. Instead I found myself wondering as he lost his third fight,
"What is supposed to be so great about this kid? Aside from, you know, his name?"If the movie has a failing it's that it didn't leave me rooting for young James Kirk. Alas, I know I'm in the minority out there on this one, so take my critique for what it is; just one more opinion.
THE FINAL ROUND-UPJ.J. Abrams'
Star Trek has revitalized the franchise in a way that is both exciting and disappointing. Though enjoyable as summer action movie fare, it manages to somehow feel smaller than the budget-challenged franchise that preceded it.
Regardless, this is a movie the whole family can enjoy. With explosions, heroics, and even exploding planets, this is finally the
Star Trek movie that any
Star Wars fan can enjoy. Whether that's a compliment or a curse is left entirely up to you.
*** 1/2 out of *****
(3.5 out of 5 stars)
The New Enterprise: Mesh, textures and Image by Alex Bruno